Emotions

Today started as a perfectly normal day, no real issues and the sun was shining (which was nice to see since we had a lot of rain over the weekend). Arabella had an appointment for an immunization that they were not able to do at the CLSC last week so we had to go to the Traveler's Clinic at Lakshore Hospital. (In case you are wondering why we did not have it done at the pediatrician's office, it is because we are still trying to find one that is accepting patients. Also, most immunizations are done at a clinic and not at the pediatrician's office). We made it to the hospital and parked and were right on time. But as soon as we walked in the hospital, I was overcome with this sense of fear, I wanted to turn around and leave and almost started crying. It was horrible the way I felt and I knew I had felt this way before. It was when Arabella was in the NICU. Every time I walked into Riverside I was not sure what I was going to be faced with when I stepped off the elevator. I had knots in my stomach and was not able to talk or breathe. And that is how I felt again today. I have not been in a hospital in over a year, the last time was when I took Arabella to visit her nurses in the NICU. It must have been the smell and sounds that triggered something in my mind. Now, I know I could use the excuse that I am in a new country and in a hospital with signs in both English and French and I was not sure what to expect. But I am sure that is not what caused me to feel the way I did. All I know is that I never thought I would feel those emotions again. And since we left the hospital this morning, I am still trying to get past them. It is interesting how something new can trigger an old wound to open up. I am just thankful that my Arabella is happy and healthy, that is all that matters.